Leading on from yesterday’s post. This is a slightly tough one but I need your thoughts because you are wise.
I am going to say what no-one ever says.
I’m sorry but it is true and is it really a problem?
Whilst it is but my personal opinion I do not see beauty everywhere. Maybe I am shallow but I do not see beauty with every step. I do see beauty in the oddest of places but never really in myself. People in the blog world ask for validation and I enjoy being able to offer my thoughts. However, unless I feel someone is soliciting my totally honest opinion I often will not say anything. I am of the stock if you have nothing to nice to say, say nothing.
I am not asking for sympathy, I just want to be honest. Indeed a (perhaps) wise friend once did say to me many, many years ago, “there can only be one who is most beautiful” and this reconciled my niggles for sometime but gradually my old insecurities fought back.
Yet I cannot decide whether my thoughts are a product of my upbringing (as in I was always told I was not attractive by family) or just my honest observations. Perhaps I just have a blinkered view of what “beautiful” is? Or is it that I am insanely competitive and find it frustrating I shall never be seen as beautiful.
Although you realise I am only talking about physical beauty. I realise that I can be a beautiful person without being beautiful, per say. I know Bean loves me for who and what I am. My woe comes not from a need to impress him or anyone else. I want to be be “happy in myself.” Something which is still in short supply but I am getting closer.
I do worry that I suffer from a reverse type of a body dysmorphic disorder where I can convince myself I look nice. (Particularly in aeroplane loos. Their mirrors and yellow lighting makes me glow!) That is until I see a photograph and see what a monster I look like when standing next to my beautiful friends.
Most of the time I look like this. Dishevelled, bug eyed and excitable. Maybe my aim should not be beauty but to embrace my own uniqueness and actually enjoy myself? Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. I think it’s time I banned beautiful from my vocabulary. Uniqueness is what I should strive for?
I understand the concept of beauty is incredibly subjective and culture specific. That the beauty I crave is so very fleeting and perhaps unfulfilling? Which leads me to on to one of my favourite (part) quotations.
“What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness”
Leo Tolstoy
From reading such powerful words perhaps I should realise beauty is multilayered. That beauty does not automatically bestow a strange aura of intelligence or importance. That beauty is not a contest. It matters not if I will never be crowned the winner because in fact there are no winners. So am I wrong. Are we all beautiful and not in that hideous “everyone’s special” way?
Perhaps actually we all are. Can I call myself beautiful? Dare I? I know I make at least on person in this world happy and perhaps that makes me beautiful? (Gosh I shudder even typing the letters).
Oh crumbs, now I’ve confused myself.
Can you call yourself beautiful? Or is almost a taboo word for an educated and thoughtful women (or man)? Where do you find your strength or has it always been there?
I don’t think beauty comes from physical appearance, beauty comes from within. I see beauty in a person with a kind heart, a person I can trust and someone who doesn’t judge. A smile is far more beautiful than a sour-faced beauty queen.
xx
I agree with Teresa in a way. Someone can be physically pretty in looks, but be a very ugly person. I see beauty in kindness, honesty and thoughtfulness. My fiance calls me ‘beautiful’ every day (his nickname for me), but I never take it as a physical compliment – he uses mostly when I have helped him in some way, i give him a cuddle or we spend quality time together. I am not physically beautiful in looks at all, but I like to think he sees beauty in the same way I do and it is his way of saying thank you and showing his appreciation for me.
x
Congratulations for your article. I am still surprised when I catch sight of myself in a mirror because what I see is not how I feel. I often wonder what it would be like to be pretty on the outside. I’m not! I’ve been described as quirky etc etc but I know I’m not outwardly pretty. The worst part is my upcoming wedding – we nearly didn’t have a photographer because I hate having my photo taken but I know I’ll want photos of everybody else and I’m sure there’ll be some funny ones of me. I just don’t seem to have any control over my face and I look crazy!! Ah well.
Firstly, Anna, I’m going to agree with your suggestion that we are not all beautiful. You are right that it is true. I think we have, in many ways, made a problem out of something that shouldn’t be one. Perception of beauty is highly subjective and deeply personal, so we shouldn’t make sweeping assumptions. Everyone will have their own beauty scale and one person’s 10 is the next person’s 0. This is true of pretty much everything, but goes treble if we’re talking about people. So often what we see on the outside is influenced by the person we know on the inside, so someone can become more or less beautiful as we learn more about them.
For example, there was a guy I fell in love with at uni. I only met him because I fancied a different guy he worked with (and didn’t think he was at all attractive) but we became friends as we had similar interests. Over time, as I came to care for him more and more, he became more and more handsome in my eyes. As Rogers and Hammerstein put it: ‘Do I love you because you’re beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?’
Similarly, we can both look at the same person and come away with completely different opinions about their beauty because we will see different things in and about them. Let’s use art as an example. I detest Rothko’s paintings. I find them boring, pointless, utterly without appeal and am of the opinion that a toddler with good fine-motor skills could reproduce them. I know people who think his art is the be-all-and-end-all of art and absolutely adore him, but I don’t see it. I like 18th century British painting and have been known to cry in front of a Degas I thought it was so beautiful (my mother was so embarassed).
Before I waffle on too much I’ll finish with the National Theatre. This building is consistently voted the ugliest but if you’re inside it’s wonderful. The spaces are amazing, the three theatres are brilliantly designed, people who’ve worked there are full of nothing but praise for it. The National doesn’t worry about being in an ugly building, it just gets on with being awesome on the inside, and when you’re focused on how good the theatre is you don’t notice the outside. I don’t like Brutalist architecture, which is the style the National is built in, but I love the National. So maybe we should all be more like the National, be as amazing as we can be and not worry about what people think of us on the outside?
Or have I missed the point?
I’m going to assume you want an honest opinion. :-)
“So am I wrong. Are we all beautiful and not in that hideous “everyone’s special” way?” Nope. I’ve seen some people in my life that made me do a double take and NOT because they were beautiful. These people are few and far between and YOU ARE NOT ONE.
“Can I call myself beautiful? Dare I?” / “Can you call yourself beautiful?” Um. You’d better. I think you’re beautiful. Not a ten, but on the upper end of beautiful (hell, who IS a ten anyway?) I call my self pretty most of the time but sometimes, I catch myself in the mirror and think “I AM beautiful.”
I think we all have a stage in our lives when we are ‘beautiful’, in the physical sense. It maybe we were a beautiful baby, maybe a beautiful teenager, maybe in our thirties, maybe in our seventies…
First, you obviously won’t feel able to believe this but you are a lovely-looking person and if it helps you to know that then I’m really happy to say it. I think of you as one of the good-looking ones and I’m envious. Whether it should or shouldn’t matter is academic – if it matters to you then it matters. What doesn’t matter is whether that comes from beautifully arranged features or from what’s inside or a combination of both.
Obviously, however ‘perfect’ a face is, if its owner is unpleasant that face loses its attractiveness but you seem to be really nice inside too, so that enhances your looks even further.
Secondly, it’s true, beauty rarely lasts: for most people it’s fairly short-lived, so listen to your partner and enjoy.
So, appreciate what you have right now and walk tall – now’s your time. When I was young, I never realised I was fairly attractive, had a brief spell of looking good and feeling good, then bam! hit the menopause and I’m all saggy, fat and the sort of person no-one looks at any more. However, with age comes acceptance, and along with a deft hand with the make-up and good underwear I feel fine.
So! Don’t wait until you’re as old as I am to love yourself and what you’ve got – you’re a very lovely person who happens to be lucky enough to look good too – enjoy!
My whole attitude towards beauty has changed often. I’m older: perhaps that’s it. No person can be wholly beautiful. Even gorgeous young things have a mean side, can be shallow, naive or… Whatever human flaws are only natural. It’s enough for me to see beauty elsewhere: the “eye of the beholder” rings so true. Claire x
…and in response to your “we are not all beautiful”: we all have beauty inside. Who honestly cares about the rest? I don’t. Xx
Hi Anna,
I really like this article. I dont like that you feel so badly about your appearance. I think on life’s pretty scale you are most definitely on the “hot” rather than “not” end! I am not saying this just to be nice – because as nice as I like to think I can be (I have my moments), I do not like to inflate people’s egos unnecessarily! I simply think you are not seeing what others see – that’s all.
Back to the subject of your article, I agree with you that we are not all created equal in the beauty stakes. I think that while beauty is very subjective, there are some people (and things for that matter) which are almost undeniably beautiful. While everyone’s ideal is different, I dont think you would find many people who think that Catherine Zeta Jones (for example) is not pretty darned beautiful. I think that the majority would agree that she is one of the more blessed among us.
That said, I think there is a difference between the kind of beautiful that ticks all the boxes, and real desirable beauty – the beauty that we all crave. I think some of the most desirable, and visually attractive people are not always that way because they fit the beauty standard – they may be good looking, but often it’s about a lot more than that. I think as people we are attracted to much more in a person. I am not just talking about knowing a person and that understanding that they are a good / kind / caring / funny person (although all that certainly helps) – I am just talking about the visual aspects. Being good looking is all well and good but I think someone’s personal sense of style, how well groomed thy look and body language all play a big part in the overall visual beauty of a person – and this is often a more desirable kind of beautiful than just a classically pretty face!
One of the most beautiful women I have ever met (she is actually a client of mine), who’s beauty I am truly envious of is not really “chocolate box” beautiful and she is also quite a bit older than me. She is pretty but also dresses incredibly, clearly looks after skin and hair, she stands with elegant poise and confidence, and has a warm affectionate look about her – she is also a really lovely fun person. This adds up to one hell of a beautiful woman – in they eyes of men and women alike.
I think what makes us all panic about our beauty score is how obsessed we have all become with beauty. It should not really matter as it is much more important to be a good person, but unfortunately sometimes it does matter to us, and i dont know if that will ever change – I would like it if it did! It’s a shame that women seem to get the worst of this. Men are also judges for their visual appeal, but it does seem that there is a broad spectrum of “assets” which can make a man physically attractive, and add to that half decent personality – and they are all somehow handsome! The beauty “window” seems to be more of a porthole for women rather than big old french doors for men.
Oh well, so sorry for waffling on! I just found this a really interesting one! On the whole I think women in particular are judged a little too harshly – but I think real desirable beauty is about a lot more than classic good looks
Sarah x
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