Leading on from yesterday’s post. This is a slightly tough one but I need your thoughts because you are wise.
I am going to say what no-one ever says.
I’m sorry but it is true and is it really a problem?
Whilst it is but my personal opinion I do not see beauty everywhere. Maybe I am shallow but I do not see beauty with every step. I do see beauty in the oddest of places but never really in myself. People in the blog world ask for validation and I enjoy being able to offer my thoughts. However, unless I feel someone is soliciting my totally honest opinion I often will not say anything. I am of the stock if you have nothing to nice to say, say nothing.
I am not asking for sympathy, I just want to be honest. Indeed a (perhaps) wise friend once did say to me many, many years ago, “there can only be one who is most beautiful” and this reconciled my niggles for sometime but gradually my old insecurities fought back.
Yet I cannot decide whether my thoughts are a product of my upbringing (as in I was always told I was not attractive by family) or just my honest observations. Perhaps I just have a blinkered view of what “beautiful” is? Or is it that I am insanely competitive and find it frustrating I shall never be seen as beautiful.
Although you realise I am only talking about physical beauty. I realise that I can be a beautiful person without being beautiful, per say. I know Bean loves me for who and what I am. My woe comes not from a need to impress him or anyone else. I want to be be “happy in myself.” Something which is still in short supply but I am getting closer.
I do worry that I suffer from a reverse type of a body dysmorphic disorder where I can convince myself I look nice. (Particularly in aeroplane loos. Their mirrors and yellow lighting makes me glow!) That is until I see a photograph and see what a monster I look like when standing next to my beautiful friends.
Most of the time I look like this. Dishevelled, bug eyed and excitable. Maybe my aim should not be beauty but to embrace my own uniqueness and actually enjoy myself? Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. I think it’s time I banned beautiful from my vocabulary. Uniqueness is what I should strive for?
I understand the concept of beauty is incredibly subjective and culture specific. That the beauty I crave is so very fleeting and perhaps unfulfilling? Which leads me to on to one of my favourite (part) quotations.
“What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness”
From reading such powerful words perhaps I should realise beauty is multilayered. That beauty does not automatically bestow a strange aura of intelligence or importance. That beauty is not a contest. It matters not if I will never be crowned the winner because in fact there are no winners. So am I wrong. Are we all beautiful and not in that hideous “everyone’s special” way?
Perhaps actually we all are. Can I call myself beautiful? Dare I? I know I make at least on person in this world happy and perhaps that makes me beautiful? (Gosh I shudder even typing the letters).
Oh crumbs, now I’ve confused myself.
Can you call yourself beautiful? Or is almost a taboo word for an educated and thoughtful women (or man)? Where do you find your strength or has it always been there?