The great name change upon marriage “debate.” Well actually there seems to never be a debate. You take your husband’s name. (Although what happens with civil marriages – not partnerships – you are not cowboy/girls).
Why is this still the default? Whilst we are living in the 21st century it appears that social etiquette still takes notes from, well, time immemorial? Hmm actually things were probably a little better back then, shall we just say the Victorian era? Why is it that it is assumed you will take your husband’s name?
Social convention does seem to lag behind the concepts deemed suitable for modern day living? Perhaps that’s the point. We are here to fight for equality for our metaphorical great great grandchildren who will baulk at the idea that it ever were thus?
I know this a pickle for many of you. Indeed it is a current pickle for me. After our wedding I decided I would change my name when my passport ran out. Almost 2 years later that’s about to happen and I am still completely undecided. I also know that many of your are happy to take your husband’s name. This is not a dig at you. I love the idea of Bean and I sharing the same surname, whilst it is just a name, it does strike me that it makes us more of a family.
Yet it’s just a name. Why should I let it define me? It only defines my father’s side of the family anyway. I’ve already had the other side of my heritage apparently swept away with a legal document yet I can still count to 10 in Welsh. Are words so very powerful?
I have a deep affinity for my current surname. I grew up around lots of fabulous foreign names and some very British names. I loved that I was one of the “weird” ones. My surname meant/means a great deal to me. It implies a connection to my past, my brave grandfather from a far way land. However, I wonder if it is important to have a name that defines me. I still have a proud heritage. My Aunt who changed her name on marriage still remains her father’s daughter. Do I give too much power to just a few letters scrambled together. Oh and scrambled they be – I know that when I reach my grave I will have spent countless hours (maybe days) spelling my name and trying to change mistakes.
One of the main reasons I didn’t take Bean’s name straight away is for aesthetic reasons. A reason, albeit not a great one, but if I took his name I would be Anna Annason (well almost!). Which would be great if I were a crime writer or a Stan Lee character but it’s not a real person name!
I love Bean, and I know that his family were slightly perturbed when I didn’t take his name on marriage. Indeed I went one step further (which I think caused the most “irkage”), Bean added my name to his. He is now Bean Biglongforeignname Annason. He’s changed his name and I remain Anna Biglongforeignname. I am happy to take Bean’s name despite being hardwired (perhaps by my feisty grandmamma) that you should not be defined by your name. Yet I still feel it is discourteous towards him and his family, a family who I really admire and love with all my heart. Is it emasculating? For some men maybe, but Bean is a pretty wise and modern guy and I hope/almost sure he knows that me not wanting to become Anna Annason is disrespectful but a sign of how much my past is part of me. Something to be celebrated in our future life together rather than dismissed and forgotten for him to assume the role of Patriarch. (Not that I would say I have a foreboding dominating patriarchal influence now but…). That we will now be a partnership and allows us to define a family of our own?
Part of me thinks this is a triumph.
“SHOCK STORY – Woman sneakily forces husband to take her name without changing her own”
My Grandmamma and Grandpa on their wedding day. I love that he looks like a gangster!
Yet for the most part I feel guilty I’ve not changed mine. I do admit the concept of the double barrel is rather bourgeoisie in itself. Something which makes me shiver so. Then I realise I am so very fickle, one moment I really think changing one’s name is a huge undertaking but in the next breath I realise it is almost meaningless. A name confers no love. A name cannot mark you out as special of different. (Well unless your title is Queen).
So I am in a bind.
We will never be able to choose a new name or portmanteau our current family names. Mainly because there could always be a more awesome name around the corner.
So do I become Anna Annason and carry my heritage and my past inside and not on my passport or do I become the double barrel I always thought I’d be? I really want to have the same name as Bean so maintaining two different surnames is not really an option. Although technically I’m already doing that by not changing my professional name. I know Bean would be disappointed at this point if I didn’t at least add his name to mine.
Why is it so difficult?
Certainly I’m not saying that those who do chose to take their spouse’s name are doing nothing for equality. It’s really a separate issue. What’s good for the gander and all that.
Do you have any advice for a confused Anna?
I’ve been married twenty years, nearly twenty one, and I didn’t change my name when I married. My name is part of me and it just wasn’t up for discussion whether or not to do it, my OH never asked me too and it’s never been an issue. It’s easier not to change than to change, so I didn’t and haven’t looked back. I call myself Ms or Mrs depending upon how I feel, I occasionally have to explain to people why we are Mr and Mrs different names, but not often. I also don’t get difficult when people call us Mr and Mrs his name, for example at events when they just assume, just doesn’t seem worth being petty about. Good luck deciding!
I like your style. You are a trailblazer.
It’s just the assumption that I am Mrs Bean does grate on me. Perhaps there are bigger things to be worried about?
Whilst I have acquired a very cool Italian surname through marriage, I was deeply attached to my maiden name (Preston-Ladd). With initials like VPL you quickly learn growing up that you need to embrace them rather than be embarassed!! Coming from a very small family with only one sister, it struck me as incredibly sad that our family name would die out with us.
Having said that, I knew that it was very important to my husband for me to take his name and I have indeed succumbed…although obviously I haven’t actually done anything to “officially” change things…baby steps after all. :)
Great article Anna
x
Great initials! It’s hard isn’t it.
Are we really betraying our heritage by changing our name? I just can’t decide.
Love this post! I didn’t change name because Italian women are not allowed to change it after marriage. And I actually love that. Why on earth does a woman have to change surname? I was born a person and there is no need to change my identity (because technically that’s what you’d be doing) just because I’ve married someone else. Please note – I am NOT a feminist. On the contrary, I think that women shot themselves in the foot when they started demanding to be considered 100% equal to men (ohhhh… the controversy!), but my husband and his family are not my blood. I’m my father and my mother’s blood, they gave me life and that’s who I fundamentally am. So, my Passport, the bank and anything to do with work (or legally binding) is done under my maiden name. Everything else (relationships with friends, my children’s school -children I don’t have yet- and anything that is not formal) will be done in my ‘married’ surname. This works totally fine in my country and despite the difficulties that it causes in the UK, this is how I will continue to operate here. Whether people think it’s disrespectful or not! ;-)
However, if my country ever allowed women to change surname after marriage, I would very happily adopt his surname and turn mine into a double barrel.
xx Betta
Very interesting Betta. I always love listening to your views. It’s weird how the UK differs so much from other countries, no?
I wasn’t blessed with a great last name like you were so I was pretty happy to say good bye to it. xx
That’s true! That’s one reason to married!
Such a great article Anna! My fiance and I have had two sticking points about marriage:
1) he didn’t want to wear a wedding ring because ‘my dad doesn’t, and I don’t want people to think I’m attached’…which I found hilarious, then quickly realised he wasn’t joking, and burst into tears, surprising myself, fiance (boyfriend at the time) and the poor waiter who was coming over to take our order! I know that makes him sound AWFUL – but he’s not. Really. Anyway, eventually he agreed (not even begrudgingly), as it meant a lot to me, that he’d wear a ring. And I was touched by this, as I think it’s a big deal for him to agree to it, whatever his reasons. My arguments were that I wanted people to know we were attached, to FEEL attached, and also, even though I’m not hugely romantic normally, I like the romanticism of both of looking at my ring (or both of them) and feeling the symbolism.
2) Names. Names, names names. We haven’t decided yet, but my feeling is that he feels as strongly about us having the same name as I do about him wearing a wedding ring. His most hilarious comment this time (he does tend to come out with corkers) was that his name (Gardener – sort of) means something, while mine doesn’t. But apart from the fact that my name does mean something historically/geographically, it actually means something to me. And I want to keep it. But perhaps having the same name is how he sees us being united, the way I see that rings might. And as he’s already compromised perhaps I should be a little soft on the poor guy!
I haven’t got a solution yet. A friend of ours is going to turn her maiden name into a middle name, and take her husband’s as her surname, thus keeping both but without having to be double barrelled. We’ll see how it goes as she gets married a year before us! I was thinking of keeping my maiden name until more than 50% of people start calling me by his name, and then giving up and having it changed properly, although her solution also appeals.
Good luck! Let us know what you decide! It’s not easy and I think that the final decision is different for every couple – you just have to both be happy with it. X
Indeed. I guess tit for tat doesn’t really work in relatively important situations or perhaps it does if you know how to play well?! (I jest!)
It’s so good that you are actually talking about your differences though.
I wish I had the answer.
It was really important to Forrest for us to share a last name. I was planning on changing it anyway but we had a long discussion about it because he tended to be judgmental of women who don’t change their names–I wanted to be sure that he understood why that was a totally valid choice.
That being said, however, I really believe in choosing to have a name that works for you. I’ve spent my whole life being called “Beth” and not “Elizabeth” (except for a brief point in Kindergarten where I decided to assert myself and insist on it…I went back to Beth for 1st grade) so I’m going through a little extra hassle to change my first name too. AND since I decided to do that, I’m keeping my last name. It’s mine and I love it so it’s becoming my middle name. (My middle name is my aunt’s first name. I love her but it’s much less a part of my identity than my current last name.)
Phew. So the bottom line, is do what feels right to you. Don’t let others guilt you into doing what they need you to do. Taking Bean’s last name won’t make you a better partner or better daughter-in-law; especially if it makes you regretful about the choice you made to drop Biglongforeignname.
Very true. I do like that idea. I guess my surname is very un middle namey!
I guess it doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s there?
This post made me smile. I agree that there isn’t a right and a wrong answer. I changed my name – purely because I preferred my new name to the old. My husband was great and said that he would be happy to change his name by deed poll to give us both the double barrel. I didn’t like the idea and simply switched. It was absolutely my choice, with no pressure and that itself satisfied the feminist in me!! Had I disliked the my husband’s name I would have kept my maiden name.
I know a lot of professional people who keep their maiden names for work purposes and use a married name for their family life, that seems to work for them :-)
I guess the fact we do have a choice is enough?
My husband has a very long and complicated surname, and as my grandparents’ surname will die out with them, we were going to take their surname… however, hubby got cold feet so I took his name. I still wish we had their surname, especially as he’d actually asked them if he could take their surname and they were so touched they cried! I keep hoping he’ll change his mind…
Maybe he will.
It would be such a sweet gesture. It’s certainly not for everyone though and I understand why he would find it difficult because it is perceived to be not the done thing.
Toughie.
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I relate the most to Lauren’s fiance’s point above. I really think of changing my name as part of the symbolic nature of marriage and as important as the rings! I view myself as a feminist but on this issue, I think that a married couple sharing a name is key.
I think the feminist view point of “why should I take the MAN’S name?” does hold some merit, but surely those who choose to get married have some strong feelings towards marriage as a “institution”. Otherwise, in this modern world, why would they even choose to get married at all, when cohabiting and lifelong partnerships are equally viable options? Marriage is about legally and spiritually recognising your bond as a couple for life, and sharing your name is surely part of that, is it not?
Then again, maybe I can’t comment, as instead of being “Mrs”, I will remain “Dr”, and taking his name only involves adding an extra syllable from Robb to Roberts…
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